Always waiting for the ‘When…’

I’ll be honest with you, this year has been a rollercoaster as I am sure it has for many of you.  With Covid very much a part of our daily lives, rules changing with the seasons, it’s been so hard to plan for the month ahead at times, let alone the year ahead!

I feel like I started the year a completely different person to the one sat here writing this today.  I was still very much Gemma the Fashion Buyer, dabbling in art and loving every second of it.  But there was still a huge block for me in believing in myself, believing that I was an Artist.  

I am from very humble beginnings and have always been taught that to get what you want you must work for it, really graft for it.  I adopted that philosophy very early on and have been that way since I got my very first job babysitting.   In my mind I still felt my art was a ‘hobby’, something that was wonderful but that I could never do full time, it could never pay the bills and support my husband and I.

As the warm summer days arrived, I found myself uncontrollably growing my little side hustle, my mind buzzing with ideas for new projects, collaborations, different ways to bring art into people’s lives.   I started work on my first surfboard, took the decision to take my printing to the highest level of quality I could, launched collections of work in various luxury hotels around Cornwall and started collaborating with other brands to make my work more accessible.

Before I knew it, I was working full time as a buyer during the day and then rushing home to have evening meetings or work on a commission.  I had created a fully-fledged business and in order for it to flourish further I had to give it more time.

I have worked as a Buyer for a Cornish fashion company for many years, and they have been incredibly supportive and encouraging of me and my art since the beginning, so when they agreed to make it work for me to go down to part time hours, I could not have been more grateful.  

I finally could spend two whole weekdays on my craft, growing my business and my mind was racing with the potential.  I could meet with suppliers in actual working hours, get on top of business admin, plan marketing for the months ahead and most importantly design and build new bodies of work.  

Still though, with all of that I had this thought in the back of my mind that I was still not a “proper artist”.   I could only call myself that “when I had an exhibition in a gallery” ,“when I was recognised by other artists I deeply respected”. There was always a “when”.

So I kept grafting, as a buyer half the week and at my business the rest of the time, running around all day and all evening, busying myself so much that I actually could not see what I was achieving.  

But then one of my “when’s” came true… I was given the opportunity to show a collection of work at an exhibition at gallery in London.  I couldn’t believe it, me and my paintings.   I spent a lot of time building the collection for the exhibition, treating it almost like a showcase of all I had discovered about my style, my technique, what my work said about me.  I wanted it to bring the magic of Cornwall to the centre of London, to have so much delicious texture that people wanted to reach out to touch it, fascinated and intruiged as to what the pieces were made from.  Asking whether it was art, whether it was even sculpture?

It was only whilst stood at the VIP opening party for the exhibition that I finally felt like I could call myself an Artist.  I was in this beautiful gallery space, in front of my work talking to other artists who I have huge respect for, talking about art, the creative process, life as an Artist.

It was then that I realised, that every moment that led to that body of work, to me being stood there was me being ‘The Artist’.  Every day for the last 18 months I have been an Artist, it has always been within me, but I felt I hadn’t done enough, achieved enough to call myself one.  

How troublesome is that imposter syndrome!  

I am so grateful for that moment of realisation, as it felt subconsciously like I could stop for two seconds, take in what I had achieved.  I had been so full throttle in trying to prove myself that I nearly missed that incredible moment.  

So now looking ahead to 2022, my main goal is to find some balance and continue to believe in myself and my business.  I have so many exciting ideas for the year ahead and I cannot wait to start to tell you about them.  

Here’s to not being so hard on ourselves and to really believe in and follow what truly makes your soul sing.

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